I humbly ask you to forgive my lack of posting on this site…it seems life has caught up with me in many ways, and I have had a slightly rude awakening to this fact.
In the past few months, I’ve been surviving life as it comes. Lots of laughter, fun, and love, mixed in with the usual hurdles and frustrations of life as we know it. It’s hard to believe that it’s been so long since I posted as the Not So Perfect Mom… I think I got caught up in my other little corner of the blogosphere on my personal online journal (blog) and corresponding fans, and lost sight of the simplicity of this one. PR friendly, honest, life-loving, centered on my version of perfect family life. So here I am, starting fresh in the new year, hoping to give equal attention to both sides of my brain (ha!) and give myself time to spew out the truth and creativity that’s in my heart.
So here comes the honesty. If you know me, you know that I have a seizure disorder. Okay, let’s be more specific and say I have Epilepsy. I don’t think I’ve ever really explained exactly what happens and what it feels like, and it’s hard to describe to anyone who has never had a seizure, but I am going to try…
I spent the few days surrounding Christmas in the throes of a persistent headache. On Day 5 (the Tuesday after Christmas), I finally got relief when the stubborn tightness in my back and neck released and my head stopped hurting. The headaches at Christmas time gave me a small icky feeling in my gut, saying You know what these headaches can lead to… (meaning, headaches can precede seizures). But they went away, and so did the gut feeling.
Fast forward to last night, New Year’s Eve, 10:30 p.m., relaxing into a nice, quiet evening with my husband, welcoming the new year. BAM! Headache from Hell. Like I haven’t had in months. The top of my head feeling like it wanted to explode.
Last night’s episode began with the usual tell-tale auras that I have before I have a seizure, which give way to the feeling of a freight train headed straight toward me, with me literally unable to stop it. I’ve been seizure-free for almost TWO AND A HALF YEARS, so you can imagine my frustration in last night’s events. Luckily, it was just (JUST?! HA!) a headache. But the screaming, pulsing pain left me curled into a ball with tears streaming, holding onto the top of my head trying to keep my brain in my head, and trying to keep my fear of a seizure from overtaking me. My sweet and caring husband by my side, lending me his strength not to panic, and just get through the pain.
Are you scared yet? I sure as hell was; I always am. I don’t tell you this to gain sympathy or to shock you. It only helps people understand what MY seizures are like…all seizures are different. Did you know there are dozens of different kinds of seizures? Did you also know that there are people (sometimes KIDS) who have small seizures all day long (or all night)? Did you know that 1 out of every 10 people will experience a seizure sometime during their life?
Did you also know how stubborn I am? I refuse to let these seizures get me down. I refuse to let them interfere with my relationships and my everyday life.
Life sucks, sometimes. It’s raw and painful and scary. But, as my husband says, we have a home, we have food, we have each other. The rest is just gravy.
I may be Not-So-Perfect, but I am ever so humbled.